valandor

well ok so i havent been on here for a long time and i guess thats because i havent needed to for a few years.
but now i feel like i need an outlet i can just vent and hopefully not have people i know see and comment.

but im gonna have a rant first of all.

where is the anonaminity of the internet gone. i mean yeah sure i can make a fake person and hide myself from everyone but thats not really anonamous now is it, its just a fake person. what i mean is the annoyance of facebook for example. where all i may want to do is just blert. not have people comment not have people see whats going on and pass judgement. but hey i guess thats why ive come back to this site really isnt it.

well the odd thing is strangers are alright i dont mind strangers commenting but people i know ..... yeah.

soceity is a funny creature. why is it i am ok with talking to strangers that i will never meet but yet i have a problem talking to my firneds face to face with my problems, most likely because i feel that i dont want to burden them with my problems, after all we all have our own problems to deal with and so id rather not put more stuff on my friends plate i guess.

so well here is my current situation that i do not want to burden my friends with.

in the past year i have begun the single life again for the first time in a few years.
in the year i hav developed very strong feelings for another person. understandable i am single after all.
there is a bit of an age gap between us or roughly 5 - 10 years, (sorry thats all im gonna give ya)
from what i can tell she has very strong feelings for me as well. not long after i became single things started to happen between us, we got closer we flirted we declared our feelings etc etc. nothing physical tho.

then she told me we were just friends and sorry for leading me on but she doesnt think it could happen and from what i can tell its mainly the age gap that is causing her problems.

then a few weeks ago things start to happen again and this time they did get physical.
then after 3 weeks she tells me the same thing again. ie she doesnt see it working out.

the main problem is that every time things go forwards i am exstactic. but then when things go bad i hurt alot.

then we go back to being friends and its all good, then something will get said and something else will get said. its a cycle, i know its a cycle and i know that means that yes she does have strong feelings for me also.

im trying my best to be paitent and give her the space she needs until she wants me again but it is getting harder and harder not to do something stupid or attention seeking like sending her a dozen red roses confessing my feelings or something outlandish like that. however i know that if i did that it would most likely have the exact opposite effect of what i was going for.

this is the reason i am up aat almost 1 am writing this because if i dont get this out of my head it will drive me crazy.

all i want to do is to hold her and make her happy so i can feel the warm feeling i get from just being around her and seeing her smile.

i do get concerned at times that maybe this is something that i have built up in my mind, i do not want to be the annoying ex / friend that is obsessed by someone but at the moment she is all that i can think of and it is killing me.
i guess the only thing i can do is simple.

if i push she hides
if i leave it and only respon to her, occasionally initiate then maybe she will make the move and follow her heart and not worry about the opinions of others.

i know i make her happy and thats al i want to do.